Sometimes I get high and think about how I’d hoop on Barack Obama

Sometimes I get high is a series about the activities you do or things you think about when you’re high, in deep detail, for the fun of it. 

It was a warm Wednesday afternoon in November when I smoked a joint of GSC from Humboldt County and slid into a happy-zen mode at a beach in San Diego. It’s this type of setting that makes my mind wander. Content, present, outside, and hyper-reactive to whatever I observe in real time. 

These are the times my silliest thoughts come to mind like, “people really underestimate Carrie Bradshaw’s career,” and “I think I could win that Cooper’s Hill Cheese-Rolling competition.” It differs from the times when I’m not high, and my mind is obsessively focused on how I can do my part in saving humanity from destroying itself (read: anxiety).

On this particular afternoon, I was zoning, listening to “Beautiful Girls” by Sean Kingston, and scrolling through my phone as a “wow-life-can’t-get-any-better-than-this” type of high washed over my body, when there it was: a Twitter video of Barack Obama shooting another weak-ass, wide-open jumper, getting more weak-ass applause. I instantly texted it to my friend and fellow hater of viral internet content, Aaron, with four simple words: “Fam…Barack cannot hoop.” 

Shoot your shot. https://t.co/XdZz4dh82T pic.twitter.com/elpBmzu6hV

— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) October 31, 2020

See, hooping is about way more than making a couple wide-open jumpers in designer loafers. You gotta be able to walk into any open gym in the world and account for at least 3 points in a run to 11. For over eight years now, we’ve been seeing these Obama basketball videos, and I’m positive that BO doesn’t have 3 in the tank.

One of my biggest goals in life is to play in a celebrity basketball game. Not because I want to be a celebrity, but simply because I want to embarrass famous people. On the basketball court. In front of the world. 

Because of that, I love to get stoned and watch every single piece of celebrity basketball content the internet has to offer, just to see who would be food if they laced up against the boy (the boy is me, I am the boy). I know that J. Cole can run a little bit, and Dave East has a wetter from three, but fam … Barack Obama would be breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a fourth-meal out there. And sometimes, when I get really high, I like to daydream about how many points I would give the 44th President of the United States. You have to visualize your goals before you can achieve them.

Let’s just talk about internet fanhood vs. Barack Obama’s basketball skills. People actually saw these videos — seen here in a YouTube compilation titled “Barack Obama’s Best Basketball Moments“ —of Obama and say “Wow, that boy nice.” All it takes is a 13 second clip or a well-shot photo of Barack shooting an unorthodox left-handed layup (he has no right) for the internet to explode. 

The hater in me can’t stand it. It’s like that feeling when you’re actually good at something, but nobody cares, and then you see another person do that something worse than you and get all the praise in the world … We all need therapy.

So with that all said, here are the THC-fueled reasons that I believe I could give number 44, Barack Obama, a cool NBA Record of 101 points if we ever lined it up in the Celebrity Game on NBA All Star Weekend.

Reason 1: Barack has a weird shot and weak handle

When I see Barack Obama take a jump shot, like in this 2010 CBS Sports clip, I think, “What is that short arm stuff? Get 2018 UCLA Lonzo Ball outta here!” He doesn’t even put the ball in his shooting hand until it goes up. Where’d he learn to shoot? That’s not what they teach you at middle school basketball camps when you learn the BEEF (Balanced, Eyes, Elbow, Follow-Through) shooting principle. 

Just off the release, you can also tell Barry O probably can’t handle the rock either. He even says at the end of the Best Basketball Moments video after being asked if he can go right, “I can go to my right … but I prefer my left.” So I already know I’m snatching his cookies every time he puts the ball on the court with his head down like Stanley in The Office

Reason 2: Everyone goes easy on him because he was the President 

The former President and I come from two different worlds. His game was made by people taking it easy on him; I was made by playing pickup in the war zone that is LA Fitness on a Saturday morning. You can tell by the pictures of Barack playing with the 2009 NCAA Basketball Champions in sweatpants and a tucked shirt that Tyler Hansbrough was definitely letting him get off every shot he wanted. And smiling about it.

But me? I’ve been to war on the hardwood, week in, week out. Dudes that hoop at LA Fitness on Saturday mornings are fresh off a whole week of working jobs that don’t provide health insurance. They’re looking for blood, guts, and glory out on those small-ass courts. And you know if you lose, you aren’t getting back on for hours, so all that presidential respect goes out the window in the name of weekly bragging rights and basketball endorphins. 

Reason 3: I’m really good at basketball 

Above all else, the reason I know Barack doesn’t want to face off is that, dog, I am nice. Walk into any church league around the world, say my name, and boys are going to act like you said “Voldemort.” And even past that, my footages are out there. Just peep this video of me in 2008. At 27 seconds into the video, you can see me (#34) making the rim rock off the fastbreak one-leg. And if you pause and look at #1 in black, that’s Xavier Henry, former shooting guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. So it’s now also blatantly clear that I should’ve gone pro.

And sure, this might seem like a fleeting high thought, but it brings joy, as many high thoughts do. The gratification of slaying Obama on the basketball court is always just a joint away.

Featured illustration by David Lozada/Weedmaps, photos via Shutterstock

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Author: Dante Jordan